Perhaps the title of this blog should have been phrased in the form of a question. I have been a member of AA for almost six years, and made the decision that I would definitely one day leave AA about two years ago, but I haven't quite figured out how to do it yet. I have never been a greatly enthusiastic member. There has never been a time in six years that I have not had doubts, misgivings and disagreements regarding AA's principles and practices. This is not to say that I am ungrateful, but my gratitude is not of the profound and bottomless variety that our fellowship so approves of. But I think I have simply outgrown AA, or have almost outgrown it.
This is not an arrogant statement. It is no more arrogant to say that I have outgrown AA than it is to say that I have outgrown a pair of shoes which once kept my feet dry and protected. Yet it is considered an exceedingly un-humble conceit by most AAers I've dared share it with.
To say such a thing out loud -- that maybe i need something more than AA -- is regarded not just as arrogant by much of the membership, but as... risky. "Be careful what you wish for." "You might be sorry you said that." And even the creepily juvenile -- "Don't jinx yourself." This primitive concept of causality -- that to say bad words or think bad thoughts can bring retribution -- is an illustration of AA thinking, one which gets to the heart of why I want to get out some day: I want to be free of the same sort of superstition and irrationality that kept me drunk on my ass for decades.
When I came into Alcoholics Anonymous I was an apatheist, indifferent to the concept of deity, but after years of listening to my fellows describe their relationship with their "higher power," I have become a devout and fervent atheist. The things that people believe! Not merely silly things, but mean, cruel, selfish, hateful, bitter, nasty things! I can't say with any certainty at all that the world would be a better place without religion or so-called spirituality, but I sure would like to find out!
I hate to say it, but I know an awful lot of people who came to AA and stopped drinking, then quit AA and started drinking again. And I don't want that to happen to me. But something must be done. AA has helped me, and I am grateful. But now I sit in meetings and feel like I'm sitting in a witch doctor's hut. I listen to people share and know that their intentions are good, but feel as if I am having poison slowly dripped into my ear. I show up late, I leave early, I put my hand up and share with grim reluctance, and I keep my attendance to a minimum -- but I'm not yet ready to walk away.
I think the secret is this: Don't go away mad -- just go away. (The final slogan.) Dispassionate as I try to be in my criticism of AA, there's some anger at the bottom of it. Perhaps if I can lay that out here, I can purge it from my mind. When I walk out of my last AA meeting, I want to do it with a light and compassionate heart.
